desert blossom

I have never blogged, but I have told myself that I need to start. Please be patient with me as I share some ideas that have unsettled my mind or penetrated my heart.

I have been thinking a lot about the goodness of God. I have been reading about the glory of His creation and have been inspired through reading about others’ spiritual journeys concerning the same. I feel like it’s time to escape. I guess I’ve recently done this since I moved to Atlanta, but I mean getting out on the road. I have never been one who likes the idea of being irresponsible, but after my visit to Cornerstone in IL and reading about the experiences of Donald Miller, I feel inspired. Not to be irresponsible, but to get away from my busy life in order to embark on a kind of spiritual retreat.

I’d never been camping before I went to Cornerstone. It was only about two months ago, but it feels longer. I miss sleeping out in a tent under the stars, listening to talented Christian heavy metal, and relaxing as I listen to speakers who have seen the world and been tested by God. This was inspiring.

I fear that those days will never come again; although, I hope to go again each summer. I fear that being carefree will never again be a part of my life. Not that it has had a large part for as long as I can remember. It’s difficult to reclaim childhood when you marry so young. It’s just that I long for these days, when I can sit under the stars and read a good book. I guess I’ve been reading a lot of good books lately. The latest is by C.S. Lewis. I think I’ve been taking this time for granted, as I prepare to start graduate school at Emory and begin my new role as a children’s “pastor.” 

I love it here in Atlanta. I hope that my unsettled thoughts don’t portray otherwise. It’s just such a big adjustment in my life, and I feel like I’m missing something. Maybe I should have spent the summer traveling, but with what money? I know that Jonathan has always been partial to traveling, and I believe that I am starting to feel the same way. I would gladly give up my new little car, our paid for apartment (as long as I stay in school), and my degree just to get out into nature. I feel overburdened by this new thought; as though it is a thought that I am not allowed to entertain.

I guess that a lot of my struggle has come with the nightmare stories that I could tell about wireless phones and internet. I just feel torn… like a piece of me wants something more, which is really less. Does that make sense? I’m excited about my new position with the children. I love kids, but I’m starting to wonder if I will ever want to settle into the idea of having my own. I love the idea of traveling and enjoying life, while ministering to those out in the culture. I wanted to receive a PhD in Old Testament from Princeton (if they would take me), but I am beginning to question it. Although I love the history and stories of the Old Testament and can grow spiritually through the reading of Leviticus, I feel compelled to reach out to others. Can this be done simply through studying the Scriptures and trying to live life as a reflection of God (in which I appear to be uninspiring)? I feel like in trying to love people the way they are, I lose. I always seem to open my mouth and insert my foot. I misrepresent myself, God, and my calling.

I am beginning to question what I once thought my calling was. Am I really called to teach? Can I help these children mature and grow spiritually, when I have so many questions? …I can’t wait for a time when I can take a spiritual retreat. I don’t think that I could live in a place without good coffee, or a daily shower, but it might be nice to visit. I have found myself to be less of a girly-girl than I thought. I don’t belong in an office, because I like to be very active in my work. I escape into school books, commentaries, spiritual books, the Bible, and blogs. 

I guess I am seeking inspiration in my own spiritual journey. I feel the hand of God on my life, but I have a difficult time with trust. My family seems to no longer understand me or the vision that I feel God has laid before me. They have flustered me more than they have encouraged me, but I love them all the same. My husband is supportive; although, it is tough to be supportive in another state. (He is finishing a second degree as I start mine.) He loves me unconditionally even though I’m sure this journey drives him crazy. 

I believe this is a new season for me. Not just because I moved a month ago, or because of a new ministry in which I am embarking, or even because of my degree. It is a time of more intense spiritual growth…of learning and being stretched. It is an unsettled season, because it is filled with so much potential and creativity. I am excited that I see the world in a whole new light. Maybe it will help me inspire the children as I teach them about the Creator.

Please pray for me if you think about it. I need all the prayer I can get.