Where do you go, when the world around you is collapsing? Where do you go, when all you know no longer exists, and you are all alone? Who can you trust, when all faith has been broken and replaced with bitterness?
I am beginning a new chapter of my life. I am returning to Candler School of Theology at Emory University. I plan to complete my MDiv. As I reflect on this time, I notice that there is so much that I must leave behind. I am not who I was, which is both good and bad.
I am finding myself in a wilderness land. I am uncomfortable and raw as I stand before God and man. My transition is incomplete, but I see progress everyday. I know this journey will continue to pose its challenges, but I hope that I will trust that God can help me through them. I am not alone, although I feel that way. I ostracize myself, unwilling to confront my maker about the way I feel. Some days I wonder if that will ever change. Can I balance my new convictions with my old values? Do I need to mix and match the two? How does my understanding of the kind of ministry I feel called to do change my life?
What I love about the ministry that I am beginning to serve within is that they accept me and love me just the way that I am. I do not need to fit a cookie cutter mold. I am who I am, and that is alright with them. Will they challenge me to grow in my spirituality? Yes, but that does not mean that I have to put on a facade as if everything were perfectly in place. I am still defining my theology and spirituality. All my life I was told what to believe. Now I am questioning everything, but I appear to have many more questions than answers. I am beginning to think that it is okay as long as I keep growing, but right now I think I can shamefully say that I am not. So where do I go for inspiration to change all of this?
I find myself angry with God, mainly without reason. I blame him for my pain, which in turn increases my foolishness. I feel guilty for desiring more from my life, as if I am not entitled to follow my dreams. I guess the reason that I am so dissatisfied is because I am not allowing God to shape my dreams. I simply choose something and change my mind when it doesn’t work out. My heart is aching, causing my life to feel like it is falling apart. So, the question remains… when all feels lost, where do I go from there? How do I bring myself to a place where I will once again begin to grow? Does anyone feel like me, or am I all alone?
If I had one prayer to pray, it would be that I would once again understand and engage in the intimacy of a relationship with God.